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68 Coffee Jokes - The Only List You Need To Mocha People Laugh!

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Love coffee? Then you'll love these brilliant coffee jokes. Mix these jokes in with your morning cup to start your day off in a humorous mood.

The only thing better than coffee are jokes about coffee. Just like all the different drinks you can make with this caffeine infused drink, there's also plenty of ways to make jokes about it as well.

So get your cup of Joe ready, find yourself a comfortable place to sit, and enjoy these puns all about coffee. We've got a latte them...

Contents

8 Best coffee jokes

Pretty much any cup of coffee can be the best depending on who's drinking it. Though, the same can't be said for jokes about coffee. It doesn't matter who the person is; anyone will think that these are the best coffee jokes out there.

Here are the 8 best coffee jokes:

1. Starbucks or Victoria Secrets?...Who charges more per cup?

Both charge more for larger sizes.

Show Answer

Answer

I think it depends on the size of the cup.

2. How do you discipline a coffee bean?

Not exactly sure why a coffee bean would need to be disciplined, but, you know, there's always going to be a few bad apples in the bunch.

Show Answer

Answer

You ground it.

3. What’s a coffee’s favorite spell?

This one's for all those coffee lovers who also double as Harry Potter lovers.

Show Answer

Answer

Espresso Patronum!

4. What’s a barista’s favorite exercise at the gym?

Any barista can tell you that an actual French press is a real workout!

Show Answer

Answer

The French press.

5. What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers?

Baristas definitely have some crazy customers with those exaggerated orders.

Show Answer

Answer

You mocha me crazy!

6. What specialty coffee is never on time?

This is also true for those who drink it. They're too busy enjoying their drink.

Show Answer

Answer

A choco-late mocha.

7. How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?

Can you even channel surf without a remote?

Show Answer

Answer

You channel surf faster without the remote.

8. New word: Procaffeinating (n).

Any regular coffee drinker knows how real this word is.

Show Answer

Answer

The tendency to not start anything until you've had your coffee.

10 dad coffee jokes

Parents are probably some of the worst coffee addicts. Who can blame them? Raising kids is no easy task! Still, it's always best to look at the bright side of things. Like these corny dad jokes all about coffee — they're hilarious!

Here are 10 dad coffee jokes:

9. How does Henry VIII like his coffee?

Decap or decaf — both are sad and unsatisfying.

Show Answer

Answer

Decap.

10. What should a father say to his daughter every day?

He'd definitely only say this before he has had his coffee.

Show Answer

Answer

You're brewtiful.

11. What is best Beatles song?

The Beatles have many great songs that deserve favoritism, though, this one's probably the favorite of all the coffee lovers out there.

Show Answer

Answer

Latte Be!

12. How is divorce like an Espresso?

It can't get any more truer than this...

Show Answer

Answer

It's expensive and bitter.

13. What did the coffee say about its late assignment?

Another latte joke... You could go on and on with this drink.

Show Answer

Answer

Better latte than ever!

14. Why are Italians so good at making coffee?

Or maybe they just know how to make really good coffee...

Show Answer

Answer

Because they know to espresso themselves.

15. How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrew — for those who didn't get it.

Show Answer

Answer

He brews.

16. How are coffee beans like kids?

And kids think they have it bad! Their grounding is a weak punishment compared to coffee bean's grounding.

Show Answer

Answer

They're always getting grounded!

17. What did the coffee lover name his son?

Coffee lovers can't live without that cup of Joe... So much that they name their kids after it.

Show Answer

Answer

Joe, obviously.

18. What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?

You got that right! People can't function without that much needed fluid during break time.

Show Answer

Answer

Break fluid.

10 corny coffee jokes

If you thought those dad coffee jokes were corny then we're not sure what you'll think of these corny jokes about coffee. They're so corny they'll make you spit out your coffee from laughter!

Here are 10 corny coffee jokes:

19. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

A little insensitive, but still witty! Just make sure not to tell this joke to Titanic survivors — if there are any left.

Show Answer

Answer

Sanka.

20. How Does One Bad Cup Of Coffee End A Marriage?

Don't be surprised if a cup of coffee actually was the reason for a divorce. People are so petty these days.

Show Answer

Answer

One person thinks it's grounds for divorce.

21. Why Don’t Snakes Drink Coffee?

Definition of viperactive: fake word made up just for this joke.

Other definition(s): hyper activity in snakes.

Show Answer

Answer

Because it makes them viperactive.

22. What's a barista's favorite morning mantra?

We mean grinding coffee beans. Don't take this joke inappropriately.

Show Answer

Answer

Rise and grind.

23. Who is Al Pacino’s coffee-loving brother?

No, not Capitan America folks.

Show Answer

Answer

Cap...

24. Why did the rabbit stop drinking coffee?

Can't imagine how much more jumpy a rabbit would be after drinking coffee.

Show Answer

Answer

It made it too jumpy.

25. When do mechanics drink coffee?

Coffee break? Regular break? Or car brake? We'll never know...

Show Answer

Answer

When they are on a brake...

26. Why should you be wary of 5-cent espresso?

Cheap coffee isn't always as good as the cost is.

Show Answer

Answer

It's a cheap shot.

27. Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?

Can't be late when you're a quick coffee drink!

Show Answer

Answer

Because he was pressed for time.

 28. Where do birds go for coffee?

This should be a real place where people can sit in nests while drinking coffee — I'd definitely go there!

Show Answer

Answer

To the NESTcafe.

10 bad coffee jokes

Not all jokes need to be good to be funny. Sometimes bad jokes are just as great as all the others. Take a look at these bad coffee jokes to understand what I mean. You won't be disappointed.

Here are 10 bad coffee jokes:

29. I like my discussions as I like my coffee...

Some people won't agree with any of these preferences, me being one of them!

Show Answer

Answer

Hot and strong.

30. A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go...

Yikes! Hopefully, this is as bad as they get!

Show Answer

Answer

The coffee gets up and leaves.

31. What kind of coffee goes well with a fruit cake?

Fruit cakes are meant to be happy cakes that put you in a good mood, though they actually do the complete opposite. No one likes fruit cakes...

Show Answer

Answer

Depresso.

32. What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?

Sadly, this is completely true.

Show Answer

Answer

They are all better rich!

33. What does a coffee bean’s Valentine’s Day card say?

I think we need to stop with the latte jokes now... They're just getting played out.

Show Answer

Answer

Sending you a whole latte love.

34. What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?

Gaga ooo lala.

Show Answer

Answer

Raw raw raw raw raw raw.

35. How does a coffee lover hit on a woman?

...should I even waste my time?

Show Answer

Answer

I've been thinking about you a latte.

36. Why did the coffee file a police report?

Oh gosh! There must be so many of these police reports out there. Something needs to done about this!

Show Answer

Answer

Because it was mugged.

37. What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?

Ouch! That definitely was a burn rather than a joke.

Show Answer

Answer

I asked for coffee.

38. What's it called when you steal someone's coffee?

It's literally called mugging when you steal anything from anyone! Not just coffee!

Show Answer

Answer

Mugging!

10 punny coffee jokes

Everyone loves puns just as much as jokes. Some even love puns way more. With these punny jokes, you've got the best of both. Who doesn't appreciate a clever and funny way to use a word as a joke?

Here are 10 punny coffee jokes:

39. What's coffee's favorite Bob Marley song?

Frappe, happy, there's no difference. To a coffee lover, coffee time is a happy time!

Show Answer

Answer

Don't worry, be Frappé.

40. What did the barista say to the overly excited coffee beans?

Hmm, I wonder if they were excited to get in the kettle and be boiled down to liquid...

Show Answer

Answer

Kettle down everyone.

41. What type of coffee do vampires drink?

Because vampires need something to keep them awake and not sleeping in coffins.

Show Answer

Answer

Decoffinated.

42. What kind of coffee likes to race?

And they'll definitely win the race. No other coffee is made faster!

Show Answer

Answer

Instant from an espresso machine.

43. Why did the gardener save his coffee grounds?

He obviously wanted to make a cup of coffee worth remembering, or never forgetting.

Show Answer

Answer

For sedimental reasons.

44. What Did the Fraternity Coffee Shop Specialize in?

I wonder how that one tastes...

Show Answer

Answer

Fractuccino.

45. What are Russian coffee shops called?

This is probably true, or they at least pronounce is this way.

Show Answer

Answer

Tsarbucks.

46. What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?

Although this joke pokes fun at Jabba the Hut from Star Wars, there's actually a coffee shop in Dublin with this exact name.

Show Answer

Answer

Java the Hut!

47. Why shouldn't you discuss coffee in polite company?

No doubt about that. Just drink the coffee, don't talk about it!

Show Answer

Answer

It can make for a strong and heated debate.

48. How does a tech guy drink coffee?

Java is a must-have for techies just like coffee is important to coffee enthusiasts.

Show Answer

Answer

He installs Java!

10 what do you call coffee jokes

What do you call jokes that are funny and make you crave coffee? Awesome "what do you call" coffee jokes. You won't find jokes better than these!

Here are 10 what do you call coffee jokes:

49. What do you call male and female Jewish baristas?

Funny, but also might be offensive to people who speak Hebrew.

Show Answer

Answer

Hebrews and Shebrews.

50. What do you call a Frappuccino that won't stop brewing?

Coffee that stands up for itself is my kind of cup!

Show Answer

Answer

Stand your ground coffee.

51. What do you call an Indian coffee?

Don't be surprised if you hear some Indians pronounce it this way. They're pretty close in pronunciation.

Show Answer

Answer

A Kapur-chino.

52. What do you call a baby calf that’s lost his head?

Sad to visualize, but makes for a pretty good joke!

Show Answer

Answer

De-calf.

53. What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?

It probably isn't deja brew you're feeling. You've probably definitely been to that Cafe before, or one that looks similar to it. All cafes look alike...

Show Answer

Answer

Déjà brew.

54. What do you call it when cafe customers joke about their coffee?

This one should be up there with corny jokes, because it sure is corn filled!

Show Answer

Answer

A brewhaha.

55. What do you call two coffee mugs sitting next to each other?

This one's actually pretty cute when you think about two of those cutely designed coffee mugs sitting next to each other.

Show Answer

Answer

A happy cup-ple.

56. What do you call a couple of coffee bullies?

Haha, mean beans! That's a good one. (I'm being Sarcastic.)

Show Answer

Answer

Mean beans.

57. What do you call a hard-working coffee pot?

And you know they stay grinding for all the coffee they need to make. Coffee's not going to make itself...

Show Answer

Answer

A grinder.

58. What do you call sad coffee?

Sad, but true. Please don't give me a cup of that!

Show Answer

Answer

Depresso.

10 stupid coffee jokes

We can all agree that all jokes are stupid to some degree. Stupidity is almost always hilarious. However, if you're looking for some really stupid jokes, look no further. These jokes are sure to bring out the stupidity in us all!

Here are 10 stupid coffee jokes:

59. A man went to his doctor and said "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye," the psychiatrist said...

This joke is actually pretty funny. The only stupid thing about it is the man with the spoon in his eye!

Show Answer

Answer

"Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"

60. What did the caffeine addict name his cats?

There's nothing better than cream and sugar with your cup of coffee. You can tell he really loves his cats.

Show Answer

Answer

Cream and Sugar.

61. What’s Black And Never Works?

You got that right! Can we even call decaffeinated coffee, coffee?

Show Answer

Answer

Decaffeinated coffee.

62. Coffee Is The Silent Victim In Our House…

Oh, enough with the mugging jokes! They're getting old!

Show Answer

Answer

It gets mugged every day.

63. Why Do I Not Like a cup of coffee?

Coffee is definitely not tea! Can't you just say you don't like it? No need to compare the two.

Show Answer

Answer

It's just not my cup of tea.

64. The worst type of criminal is...

I think we've gone through this one before, though this one's more accurate about mugging being a crime.

Show Answer

Answer

He who mugs other people’s coffee.

65. Why did the kangaroo stop drinking his cup of coffee?

Nothing can make a kangaroo too jumpy. They're the king of jumps!

Show Answer

Answer

It made him too jumpy.

66. What do gossiping pots do?

Those nosey, naughty gossiping pots! They're so bad!

Show Answer

Answer

Spill the beans.

67. Why do they call coffee mud?

We all have to admit that this joke is one of the greatest on here.

Show Answer

Answer

Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

68. How do you make Pig Jerky?

Hahaha! I think I've got it wrong. This one's the best coffee joke here!

Show Answer

Answer

Give them some coffee.

Downloadable and Printable List of Coffee Jokes

Here is a downloadable and printable jpg/pdf list of coffee jokes (right click the image and select Save Image As...):

How to Use Coffee Jokes

Jokes are known for accidentally offending people, and, even though these coffee jokes may not seem offensive to you, you never know if they may offend someone else. For this reason, it's always a good idea to know how and when to use coffee jokes...

Here is how to use coffee jokes:

1. Timing is Important

It's never a good idea to use any jokes at the wrong time. If people aren't in a good mood, funny jokes could come off as annoying or, plain, not funny. Although, sometimes jokes can lighten the mood. Make sure you know when the time is right before you use these jokes.

2. Find People Who Appreciate these Jokes

Not everyone loves coffee. As surprising as that sounds, it's true. You don't have to love coffee to laugh at these jokes, but you do need to understand coffee terms and names. So, it's probably best to use these jokes on coffee lovers, or at least those who drink the stuff.

3. Stay Away From Offensive Jokes With People You Don't Know

It's hard to offend people with jokes about coffee, however, you never know what's offensive to some people. When telling jokes to people you don't know, stay clear of any religious, political or historical jokes. This is probably the safest way to go!

More Hilarious Jokes to Share or Start a conversation With

If you think these coffee jokes are funny, we've got many more jokes that will literally laugh out loud. Check them out for yourself!

  1. You and your friend walk into a bar and the rest of the story turns into one of those walks into a bar jokes. Check them out to figure out what the rest of the joke is.
  2. Want to read the best one liner jokes? We've got them right here!
  3. Who said Corny dad jokes were just for dads? Put on your best dad impression and get corny!

In Conclusion

You have to admit that these coffee jokes are funny and brilliant. And, whether you like coffee or not, you probably laughed at quite a few of these jokes.

Now go out and share these jokes with coffee drinkers and also those who hate the stuff! It's not like you're serving them actual coffee, you're just serving some incredibly good coffee jokes!

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